


As The Nose On Your Face

by AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Crack, Humor, Parody, Willful Ignorance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 21:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic/pseuds/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ranma thought maybe spelling it out for them would fix everything. Ryoga didn't know what the fuck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. THE KUNO SIBLINGS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explaining and demonstrating - they'd surely get it this time, wouldn't they?

Ranma and Akane stood before Tatewaki and Kodachi, in a mockery of the classic showdown scene. The grass rippled in a strong breeze; the sky, lint-grey, briefly flashed with lightning. The flashes of light glinted off the many kettles placed on the ground around the young man.

"Saotome, what foolishness is this?" Tatewaki demanded, pointing his bokken at his oldest foe. "If you've come to water the garden, we do employ the more capable hands of our good Sasuke to tend to such trivial matters."

"Stand down, brother dear," Kodachi warned. "Perhaps darling Ranma has come prepared to cook a most glorious feast for me! Oh, my sweet," she cooed, blushing and clapping a hand to her cheek, "so thoughtful. But it is the bride who should tend to such culinary undertakings for her husband..."

Her eyes lit up, as though comprehension had suddenly dawned on her. "Aha! You've come to mock Akane Tendo, then, is it? To show her what she lacks, what she may never have, why she will never be a true and proper woman?" Her shrieking cackle pierced the heavens, and Akane had to keep herself from tossing the madwoman into her own alligator pond by her damn ponytail.

"Actually, I've come to get the two of you off my ass!" Ranma spat, gesturing to the many kettles before him. The Kuno siblings looked down, and saw that each kettle was labelled - some bore the inscription "Hot", while others read "Cold".

"Saotome, tell me, how do you intend for mere water to put a cessation to our rivalry, when you have not yet relinquished the hand of the fair Akane Tendo, or my pulchritudinous pigtailed girl?" Tatewaki asked, scratching his chin. "Though your crude words do bear a heavy determination, I fail to see how such measures will - as you have so gracelessly put it - 'get us off your ass'."

"Ha! Do you see now, Tendo?" Kodachi laughed. "He has come to pair you with my brother, and claim me as his own! Oh! Tonight, I become a woman!" She blushed again, and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Oh, you  _naughty boy_ , we mustn't yet!"

"God,  _shut up_  already!" Ranma snapped. He looked to Akane, and she nodded.

"Kuno, Kodachi, pay close attention," she ordered.

Tatewaki complied immediately, while Kodachi sniffed indignantly.

"To take such demands from a filthy wretch like you? I think not!"

"Listen to her, Kodachi!" Ranma growled.

"Whatever you desire, my love!"

Ranma rolled his eyes, but picked up one of the kettles marked "Cold".

"Now, watch, you two, and  _listen to me_.  _Listen_. You got that?"

The siblings nodded.

"When I pour this water onto myself, I will actually transform into a different person entirely. Do you follow me?"

"Ah, so water will change your form?" Tatewaki deduced, taking a defensive stance. Ranma sighed, but a small seed of hope began to sprout in his chest. Maybe they might get it this time...

"Yeah. Pouring cold water on myself will turn me from the boy I am into a girl I don't want to be."

"As though you're... cursed, perhaps?" Kodachi added, cottoning on.

"Exactly! Now watch this!"

Ranma took a deep breath, then poured the water over his body. Shivering, she felt her body shrink, and breasts fill out her now-oversized red shirt. "What'd you do  _that_  for?" she shouted at the kettle.

Tatewaki's eyes widened, while Kodachi's narrowed.

"Ah! My sweet Pigtailed Girl!" Tatewaki cried, latching onto her in a flash and nuzzling his face between a horrified Ranma's breasts.

"Relinquish my brother at once, foul whore, and return my darling Ranma to me!" Kodachi bellowed, whipping her deadly gymnastics ribbon from its storage space in her ass, and striking at her red-haired rival.

"I  _am_ Ranma!" Ranma protested, darting away and tossing Tatewaki in the ribbon's path. It whirled around him, before Kodachi jerked her wrist back, sending him flying away into a tree.

He was back on his feet in mere seconds.

"Though I know you be cursed to share your name with the vile Saotome, you mustn't go as far as to sully yourself by identifying  _with_  him, my love," he soothed, clasping Ranma's hands.

"Kuno, just... just shut up," Akane sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"If you'll let go of me, I'll be able to explain things better," Ranma added, crushing Tatewaki's fingers in her own. He screamed, but then complied, shaking his hands gingerly as Ranma made to pick up another kettle - this time, marked "Hot".

"Now, if you'll just watch, the Ranma Saotome you despise - and that you love," Akane added, nodding to Kodachi, "is going to come back when she pours the water on herself. She's going to  _turn into_ Ranma, do you understand?"

"Ah, so water will change your form?" Kodachi asked, snapping her fingers.

"Yes!" Ranma sighed. "This girl's body that you see right now is the body I take when I'm splashed with cold water. When I get splashed with hot water, I'll change back into a guy, body and all. That guy is Ranma. I am Ranma. Ranma changes into this girl's body, and then I change back into Ranma's body.  _We are the same person._ "

"As though you're... cursed, perhaps?" Tatewaki asked, tilting his head.

"YES." Ranma ground her teeth, then poured the hot water on herself.

"Darling! You've escaped from that wench's claws!" Kodachi cried, her eyes sparkling with tears of relief.

"To what dark corner of your twisted universe have you confined my pigtailed girl?" Tatewaki roared, leaping at Ranma - only to be stopped with a casual foot to the face.

"You guys aren't following any of this, are you," he stated flatly.

The Kuno siblings looked at each other, then at Ranma, confused. "Following what?"

Ranma slumped to the ground, feeling all the life drain from his body. "Akane. Cold."

Akane didn't see the use, but shrugged and doused Ranma again.

"My love!"

"Unhand Ranma at once, you reprehensible slattern!"

"Akane. Hot."

"Ranma, let's just go home."

"HOT."

Akane rolled her eyes and scowled. "Fine." She doused Ranma again.

"Saotome! I shall cast your foul soul into Hell itself!"

"Not a finger upon my darling! Not a finger, I tell you!"

"Just... just... fuck this." Ranma stood up unsteadily, approached the two quarreling siblings, and kicked them both into the alligator pond. As Akane gaped in shock and horror - at his rage, and at the fact that he'd actually willingly hit a girl - Ranma turned around and headed for the gate to the Kuno estate. "Fuck this up the ass sideways. C'mon, Akane."

"Shouldn't we make sure Mr. Green Turtle doesn't hurt them?" she asked uncertainly.

A crunch and an anguished scream from the pond answered her question. Kodachi's arm shot up into the air, followed by a spray of bloody water, before being dragged back down beneath the surface.

"Oh. Wow. Umm, hey, Ranma! Wait up!" she called, running after her fiancé.


	2. AKANE TENDO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akane finally bathes P-chan, and receives one surprise after another!

Akane hummed contentedly to herself as she grabbed a towel and made for the bathroom, an iron grip upon her struggling pet.

"P-chan, who  _knows_  where you go and what sort of grime and filth builds up on you when you're away? You need a proper bath," she admonished gently, smiling and giggling. Her eyes, however, seemed oddly steely. "Not all piggies have to be dirty, you know!"

P-chan squealed loudly and continued to flail, to no avail. His heart grew heavy as Akane slid open the door to the bathroom, and made her way over to the furo.

"Let's wash away all that filth!" Akane exclaimed, pressing her lips into a thin line. P-chan's eyes went wide, but only for a mere split second - he was quickly plunged into the hot water, Akane's hand firmly gripping him the whole time.

 _Akane... I'm sorry..._ Ryoga squeezed his eyes shut, and he fought back the urge to scream. Akane's hand was now tangled in his thick, black hair, and she was pulling him upwards.  _No, no, no, no, no! This isn't how-_

His head broke the surface. His eyes flew open.

"Akane, please forgive me! I'm so sorry, I-" He stopped in mid-apology when he saw her.

Akane was staring at him, a pleasant look on her face. "Oh, Ryoga, hello!"

Ryoga blinked. "...Yo."

Akane giggled. "What were you doing hiding in the bathtub, silly? You didn't get lost again, did you?"

"I, uh..."

"By the way, do you know where P-chan went, Ryoga?" Her fingers tightened their grip on his hair ever-so-slightly.

"I really wanted to give P-chan a bath, Ryoga..."

"Akane, I-"

She nodded. "Let's get you rinsed off." Grabbing his hand, she dragged him over to where the buckets were, filling one up with cold water. "All that traveling, you must be filthy!"

Ryoga simply sat there, on the tiny stool, too stunned by what was happening to respond. He didn't even flinch as Akane poured the contents of the bucket over him.

"Oh, P-chan, there you are!" Akane said brightly. "Are you ready to continue your bath?" She looked around and tapped her lips thoughtfully, as she filled the bucket with warm water. "I wonder where Ryoga went, though? He was just here! Did you see him, P-chan?"

The catatonic piglet simply stared at the wall, as Akane once more emptied the bucket over him.

"Hey, Ryoga! Back so soon? But where did P-chan go? That's so weird, he was just here! Let me know if you see him, okay?" Another bucket of cold water over the unresponsive boy. "Ah, P-chan... where did Ryoga go, P-chan? P-chan... where did Ryoga go..."

The bucket clattered to the floor. P-chan slowly turned his head towards Akane, a dull look of resignation in his eyes.

"Where did P-chan go... where is Ryoga... ha ha ha ha ha..."

\------------------------

Akane wiped the sweat from her forehead and sighed, smiling happily at her work. She'd done, it, she'd finally done it! Whatever odd feeling had claimed her recently had, somehow, managed to dull her usual culinary aggressiveness, resulting in something... something really quite nice, for her.

"Dinner's ready!" she called, and though she heard Soun and Happosai begin to sob, heard Nabiki grumble a hurried excuse that was quickly shot down by Kasumi, and heard Ranma begin bickering with his father, Akane gathered up the dishes and brought them out to the table. "I hope you guys like it!"

"Hope springs eternal," Ranma muttered darkly. Genma smacked him upside the head, but Akane gave them both a strange smile.

"You'll like it."

"Yeah, whatever-"

" _You'll like it,_ " Akane repeated calmly. A chill fell over the table, and a soft breeze from outside ruffled her hair. "I guarantee it."

Everyone stared at her and shivered a little.

"So... what is it?" Kasumi asked politely, looking at the dish. It smelled nice, but something about it concerned her...

"Tonkatsu!" Akane chirped.


End file.
